I have no idea what happened here.
(Once again, the lovely Webster gave me a prompt: "Word Shark". He also told me to do it in the style of a "real life crime show" or something. I don't know what that is, so I fell back on my encyclopaedic knowledge of Judge Judy. And then JUSTICE FIST happened. Seriously, I don't even).
--------------------
The Chronicles of JUSTICE FIST
(Scene: Int Courtroom. STRIPES and WEBSTER stand at the defendant & plaintiff's stands. JUSTICE FIST enters.)
VO: Oxford writer WEBSTER is suing
Manchester layabout STRIPES for property damage, after a disagreement over a
deadline turned heated.
BAILIFF: All rise for the honourable JUSTICE
FIST.
(Cue JUSTICE FIST Intro. All dance.
JUSTICE FIST shreds like a badass).
BAILIFF: The matter at hand is between
this respectable citizen here and this dodgy bastard here, your honour.
JUSTICE FIST: Thank you, bailiff. Mr.
WEBSTER, I have here your… incoherent statement. On the night of January 18th 2014, you came to blows with the
defendant here. Tell JUSTICE FIST... everything!
WEBSTER: I was sitting at home when
Mr. STRIPES rang the doorbell. He looked… he looked…
JUSTICE FIST: Take your time if you’re
upset. JUSTICE FIST knows that not all humans can be as MIGHTY as JUSTICE FIST.
WEBSTER: I’m not… that thing, y… your
honour. I’m fi… I’m o… (grunts)
JUSTICE FIST: (raises eyebrow)
WEBSTER: I apologise. I am…
experiencing difficulty expressing myself. I was sitting at home, writing words
to satisfy Mr. STRIPES. He ordered me to write stories.
JUSTICE FIST: What’s your relationship
with the defendant?
STRIPES: Well, I would, but y’know…
JUSTICE FIST: Sir, when JUSTICE FIST
wants you to speak, JUSTICE FIST will say so.
(cue STRIKE ONE graphic)
STRIPES: Yes, your honour.
WEBSTER: I met him when we were… augh…
(leans on the desk to steady himself)
JUSTICE FIST: BAILIFF, Mr. WEBSTER needs
a stiff drink.
(BAILIFF brings Mr. WEBSTER a stiff drink)
WEBSTER: Thank you, that’s- ow!
JUSTICE FIST: Mr. WEBSTER, get on with
it!
STRIPES: He always was late,
your honour.
WEBSTER: University. We met there. I
had friends… he shared. [NAME], [NAME] and [NAME].
JUSTICE FIST: And how did you end up
writing for him?
WEBSTER: We were friends. He bought
drinks, he wrote things, he ran a… a kind of gaming group I… (grunts)
belonged to. He seemed… I can’t say it. We wrote things. I wrote stories; he
wrote stories. He went away for a few years. He came back… changed. He
said he made words in Cairo loaning En… loaning them to Egyptians.
JUSTICE FIST: JUSTICE FIST approves of
foreign aid. One day, all nations should be as awesome as Fistopia!
(cue FISTOPIAN anthem)
(cue FISTOPIAN anthem)
WEBSTER: Yes, honour.
BAILIFF: Please address the judge as “your
honour”, or alternatively, “Mighty JUSTICE FIST”.
WEBSTER: I apologise. Well, he came
back with words. Words, words, words. (WEBSTER makes an expensive gesture).
I had no words. I had deadlines. I borrowed words from him.
JUSTICE FIST: You took out a loan? Of
words?
WEBSTER: Writers do it. The deadline
was January 18th.
JUSTICE FIST: Was this the first time
you’d borrowed words from the defendant?
WEBSTER: No. 2009, he loaned me words.
I published a thousand.
JUSTICE FIST: So what was different
this time?
WEBSTER: I didn’t know anything was. I
guess it was Cairo. He’s dif… he’s… I don’t know this man.
JUSTICE FIST: What were the terms of
the agreement?
WEBSTER: No interest. He called it a gift.
STRIPES: I did no such thing, Mighty
JUSTICE FIST; he’s lying.
JUSTICE FIST: (cutting STRIPES off)
Mr. STRIPES, strike two. (cue STRIKE TWO graphic) Three strikes and you’re out!
AUDIENCE: Ooooooooh!
WEBSTER: Then he came to my house. He
said he wanted the words. I told him I had none to give him. He became… he
became…
JUSTICE FIST: What did he become?
WEBSTER: He said he would hurt me.
JUSTICE FIST: Did he assault you?
WEBSTER: …no. He wanted to see the
words. I showed him the words.
JUSTICE FIST: These are the words he
loaned you?
WEBSTER: (struggles) Yes, and
no. I mixed up the loan-words and m… mine (grunts, steadies himself
again)
JUSTICE FIST: So you showed him all
your words, both his and your own?
WEBSTER: Yes.
JUSTICE FIST: And what did he do then?
WEBSTER: He broke the adjectives.
JUSTICE FIST: …what.
WEBSTER: He broke m… the adjectives.
JUSTICE FIST: I don’t understand.
WEBSTER: I can’t use adjectives. Adjectives,
no. Adverbs, slightly. I'm in agony… (takes a deep breath) when I
use adjective clauses. I can say articles, though. He left me those. He
said they weren’t considered adjectives.
JUSTICE FIST: …how did he do this?
WEBSTER: He had a hammer.
JUSTICE FIST: And you didn’t notice
the hammer when you were talking?
WEBSTER: It was a sm… it fit in his
pocket.
JUSTICE FIST: So an adjective’s a
delicate thing, is it?
WEBSTER: Yes. He did not have to hit
them… hard.
JUSTICE FIST: …isn’t “hard” an
adjective?
WEBSTER: It's an adjective and
an adverb, honour.
(cue Time’s Up! music)
JUSTICE FIST: Alright! Your time’s up!
JUSTICE FIST will return after these commercials!
(cue commercials)
--------------------
(Scene: Int Courtroom. JUSTICE FIST enters.)
VO: Oxford writer WEBSTER accuses
Manchester layabout STRIPES of breaking his adjectives, leaving him unable to
work.
BAILIFF: All rise for the honourable JUSTICE
FIST.
(Cue JUSTICE FIST Intro. All dance.
JUSTICE FIST shreds like a badass).
JUSTICE FIST: Thank you, bailiff. Mr. STRIPES, you've heard the accusation. Defend yourself!
STRIPES: It was as he says.
JUSTICE FIST: …what.
STRIPES: And I’ll absolutely pay him
any sum he can name.
(cue GUILTY graphics, music)
JUSTICE FIST: Hoo-ah! Justice is
served! Mr. WEBSTER: you heard the man! Name your price! Ooh yeah!
WEBSTER: You know that numbers are
adjectives, right?
STRIPES: Damn right.
(AUDIENCE gasp! Cue REVERSAL graphics)
VO: A Reversal has been played. This
means the fucker might be about to get off on a technicality.
WEBSTER: I hate you.
JUSTICE FIST: Justice has been served!
Mighty JUSTICE FIST grows tired of your mewling!
STRIPES: Any number he can name in
pounds, Mighty JUSTICE FIST.
WEBSTER: Million.
STRIPES: How many millions?
WEBSTER: One.
STRIPES: One million… what?
WEBSTER: Pounds.
STRIPES: Sentence fragment; consider
revising.
WEBSTER: (screaming) I will wound you!
STRIPES: Gasp!
(cue CRIMINALITY graphics, music)
JUSTICE FIST: Mr. WEBSTER, only JUSTICE FIST can issue threats in this court!
(cue BAILIFF to take WEBSTER away)
STRIPES: Justice. I laugh in the face
of justice.
JUSTICE FIST: (JUSTICE EYEBROW)
JUSTICE FIST: (JUSTICE EYEBROW)
(cut to Ext. Courtroom. WEBSTER
enters, handcuffed and shame-faced)
REPORTER: Mr. Webster, that’s a
stunning turn of events; I have to say we outside were all very surprised. Can
you describe how you’re feeling at this time?
WEBSTER: …[INVECTIVE]
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